Yesterday turned out to be a perfect day to have a crew of 52 over for Easter. We had so much fun! Here are a few photos from the celebration. Hope your Easter was lovely too.
This parenting teens who’ve just flown the coop, or are about to fly the coop, or wishing they could fly the coop is the most challenging season of parenting, I’ve decided. This evening after such a long weary day, I should go to bed. But instead my heart pines for precious ones that I want to hug, to encourage, to love. Most of them are just a room or two away, and yet in this moment the distance feels too great to span.
It was so easy when they were tiny. So easy to just scoop a sleeping child up after a long day and bring them into the rocking chair for a late-night snuggle. Their soft selves would cradle into me not even wondering, not even skipping a breath. They’d just settle in, where I could breathe into their hair and rock and rock, soothing both our souls, with me luxuriating in the deep down certainty that even thru the heavy weight of sleep they could feel my love. That their dreams were sweet because they were in my arms.
These days ‘our’ place tends to be the minivan. Or the kitchen. I talk and advise, hug when they’ll let me, and cook and feed and shop and drive. And pray. And drive. And drive some more. (Oh, they constantly want to go places.)
But the cozying in. The loving-mom-back. Less of that comes these days. And tonight my momma-heart is missing the adoring baby-eyes, the feel of a little one running full-tilt into my body because he knows I’ll catch him, the slightly older one drawing and handing me love notes at odd moments in the day. No, nothing was perfect back then either. And I know those babies still lurk somewhere inside the bigger people who inhabit my world these days. I recognize a look in the eyes now and then.
But on tough days my throat aches hard for that time when my big gangly teens had zero doubt I was on their side. And wanted me there. *I* know I’m still there, cheering them on, dreaming good dreams and praying with fervor. But teens don’t see it so clear some days.
A few weeks back my full-grown son came by for a visit. He sat by me on the couch and after we’d talked awhile he laid his head on my shoulder and gave a big sigh and we just sat, being together. At that moment I wanted to never move again, it felt so sweet. That he wanted to be there. That he found me a comfort. That he gained peace from my presence. Oh, the happy ache.
It’s easier for us, these days with him all grown. He’s gained maturity, gotten past the fierce lonely ache of adolescence. He’s not flailing to find his balance, like these younger ones seem to be. Something about that flailing, it seems, compels them to push me hard away. As if they fear my very presence will inhibit their launch into the world.
I once heard that parenting a teen has something in common with a pendulum, that the teen years often find kids at the far end of that pendulum swing, nearly out of reach of the parent who is struggling hard to be the steady base. But that’s the time not to lose heart, because the pendulum is going to swing back. Give it time.
The other day after taking my gaggle of teens on a less-than-stellar shopping trip– the angst! the frustration! the see-through clothing! — I ran into the grocery store for fried chicken at the deli counter. When the deli lady asked how my day was going, I laughingly said something about the challenge of clothing shopping with teens. She was a few years older than I am and nodded knowingly, listened kindly. I had the feeling she saw right through my jokes to the honest pain. We continued to talk a minute or two. As she handed me my box of chicken she smiled kindly and said, “Don’t worry, momma, they’ll come back to you.”
And even as I thanked her, I felt the tears welling up and all of a sudden I remembered that pendulum. I’m in the midst of the pushing-away stage with multiple ones of mine. But I’m also blessedly experiencing the coming-back stage with others. The son I ate lunch with yesterday. The one with whom I had late-night chats several weeks ago. The grown girls who bring our grandbabies for visits on the weekends.
And even with the kids in the midst of this pushing away stage, there are plenty of good times. Shopping trips that end with actual clothing agreement. Shared jokes and smiles. Words of thanks for my endless chauffeuring. Lively discussions about movies. Much good. And there’s also the 11 year old who plops herself on my lap for a snuggle this evening. And the 9 year old who just yesterday wrote me a love note.
God is good to give me such balance in my life. Such reason for hope each and every day. And so I will keep on hoping and keep loving and keep on praying God’s very best for each of their lives. Because I’m the momma and that’s what mommas do. And I trust that God has good plans for each of their lives.
For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants. They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. Some will say, ‘I belong to the Lord’; others will call themselves by the name of Jacob; still others will write on their hand, ‘The Lord’s,’ and will take the name Israel. ~from Isaiah 44.
Okay, folks, I’ve got some questions for you this fine morning! This spring several of our teens will be job-hunting. Along with basic job interview hints like making eye contact, being on time, speaking respectfully, and dressing appropriately, John and I would like our kids to be prepared to answer some of the most common interview questions that bosses ask. Here are some of the questions I’ve come across while reading about this on the internet.
How has your background influenced what you are today?
How do you define success?
What’s the most difficult challenge you’ve overcome?
How do you deal with deadlines?
Tell me something about yourself.
Why are you leaving your old job?
Why would you be good for our company?
Where would you like to be five years from now?
But I’m sure there are lots more questions that could come up. What questions have you been asked in a job interview? Or, if you’ve been in the position of interviewing others, what questions do you like to ask? And if you’ve got any tips for increasing job interview success, would you share those hints as well?
I’m planning to gather together the kids and have them take turns answering these questions so that they will have more of an idea of what to say when the time comes. I might even videotape them so they can see if they need to improve their tone or eye contact or facial expressions. They’ll probably hate it, but I’m hoping it will help them be more prepared– and more competitive– in this difficult job market. Thank you in advance for your help with this project!
Also of interest
The winner of The Perfect Score is commenter #5, Ticia. Send me your address, Ticia, and I will get that book headed your direction.
Today I have yet another giveaway. It is for a family movie called Against The Wild. You can see the trailer here on youtube. Our family watched it together and to be honest, my older teens didn’t find it riveting material– I think it’s geared more toward the elementary age group. But it is safe movie to watch with the whole family, and the dog is just beautiful. (Of course I’m biased there– we have an Alaskan Malamute too.)
If you’d like to enter to win a copy of the movie, comment below and tell me about the best family movie you’ve watched lately. I’m always eager to hear family movie recommendations. Most recently (after reading the book to the younger girls) we watched ‘City of Ember’ again, and really enjoyed it. I’ll select a winner of the video on Friday. And if you’re interested in buying a copy of this movie, it is on sale at Wal-Mart.
The other day I shared some SAT essay ideas, and then forgot to mention the thing that got me thinking about the SAT in the first place– a book that I was recently offered for review. It’s called The Perfect Score Project: Uncovering the Secrets of the SAT.
It’s the story of a mom who wanted to help her son do better on the SAT, and in the process of figuring out the secrets of the test, she herself took the SAT seven times. NO way I’d like to do that, but I was very intrigued with her story and the things she learned on the way, both about the test itself, and about what worked and what didn’t work to motivate her teens to prepare for the test. The book is an interesting combination of memoir and how-to. As I read, I sticky-noted resources that I want to remember, and also found myself sticky-noting funny sentences and interesting observations she made along the way.
If you’d like to own a copy of this book, comment below and tell me either about your experience taking the SAT– do you remember it?– or about why this book sounds interesting to you. I’ll pick a winner early next week.
She comes out into the kitchen in the morning in tired black leggings a touch too small and a black long sleeve shirt a lot too large and my first reaction is puzzlement, then a grumpy wondering why she’d chose to wear THAT this morning. This child has a quirky/adorable sense of style and LOVES clothes, usually the brighter the better. And the truth is, I love to see cute clothes on my kids every bit as much as I enjoy wearing cute things myself, so when they look scruffy, it kinda bothers me.
But somehow the moment moves forward, until a bit later, thinking of errand-running later in the day, I ask her to put on a cuter shirt ‘instead of all that black’. And she complies, a little huffy, but silent. And still that little niggling thought is at the back of my mind, wondering about all the black.
But again the day sweeps me forward — reading, chemistry, math, laundry, cooking– until lunchtime where she mopes over her food. I ask her what’s up and she doesn’t tell me and pokes at her food some more. Finally I tell her sternly to eat her five bites of mac and cheese and get it over with. And after lunch when she growls at me or a sister, or maybe both of us, I ask her to rest on the couch near me til she gets her head together.
Then I reconsider and pull her, stiff and long-legged and cranky onto my lap, where she suddenly melts into my lap like that’s where she needed to be all along, and all of a sudden she says, “Did you know I had the most horrible dream last night?”
And she launches into a story of her Ethiopian dad dying, and her being in America not able to help him, and it all being so very sad that she couldn’t bear it. “That’s why I wore all black today,” she said.
And suddenly I am awash in sadness at her bearing those sad thoughts alone without telling me. And I wish she’d just SAID at the beginning of the day what was bugging her, for crying out loud. Clueless mommas like me need HELP with this kind of thing, after all. But mostly I am repentant of my busy-ness, and my not-asking-ness, for ignoring my own instinct about my kid.
And here in my arms, long legs or not, I see how little she is and how very much she still needs her momma to look her in the eyes and snuggle her in close and ask her how she’s doing today. And tomorrow. And every day.
Today I happened across this really interesting article about plans to overhaul the SAT, again. The last time it was changed in a substantial way was in 2005 when the dreaded ‘essay’ component was added and weighted to be 1/3 of the total value of the test. This part of the SAT gives each student an essay topic and 25 minutes to write an essay on that topic, usually formulated as an argument for or against the statement given in the essay topic. Understandably, this is a hugely stressful component of the SAT for most high school seniors. Twenty-five minutes is just not long enough to pull together a reasonably coherent essay, even for someone who enjoys writing.
Well, good news! In Spring 2016 the SAT essay will become OPTIONAL.(Down side– they will be making the SAT compliant with Common Core. Bah humbug. (Here are some other changes being planned.) Anyway, the essay is being removed because they’ve found it isn’t very indicative of college success anyway. There’s a much stronger correlation between high school grades and college grades than there is between high school testing and college grades. There is also a concern that lower-income kids are testing low simply because they don’t have access to the types of SAT coaching that upper-income parents tend to get for their kids.
HOWEVER, if your kid is graduating this year or next, he’ll still need to do that essay. So how to approach it?
- Begin that precious 25 minutes by spending 3 minutes brainstorming all you know about the topic.
- Quickly choose whether to argue for or against the statement given in the essay prompt. It doesn’t affect your score which you choose– but it will affect your score if you spend too long debating which side to argue.
- Then write a brief 5-paragraph essay consisting of an intro, a conclusion and 3 central paragraphs, each with a different sub-point of your argument.
- If time runs short (as most likely will) it’s okay to skip the third sub-point and go straight to a conclusion.
- Save a couple minutes at the end to proof-read.
Some additional ideas for higher scores:
- Memorize a few all-purpose quotes that could fit a variety of situations, so that you can use one in the essay.
- Begin with an interesting or attention-getting sentence.
- Write as LONG as possible. Longer essays almost always get higher scores.
- Don’t feel like you have to KNOW everything about your topic. You aren’t getting graded on the accuracy of your facts.
- Don’t overdo the long words, but do be sure to use a few correctly.
Here are a few articles explaining these types of strategy in greater detail.
Recently I was playing with our two little grandsons, both of whom turn two in the next couple months. They’re learning so much– talking and running, and showing understanding of so many things about their lives. They come to our house each Sunday, and walk in with smiles on their faces, eager to play the same games over and over again.
They ride their little bikes. They ask me for stories. They follow their Auntie Julianna around with utter adoration. They sit in their high chairs at the kitchen counter, snacking with her and watching me make dinner. They play with the same toys over and over.
They go into the pantry and fill up my Kitchenaid bowl each and every week, usually with raw potatoes, but sometimes also with toys. They savor each repetition, each ritual. Toddlers are creatures of habit, after all. It’s so much fun to watch them.
But lately while watching their happy and growing competence, I’ve also been struggling with grief. Not for them; they’re enjoying a wonderful start at life, and are so treasured by so many. I’ve found myself grieving anew for my own precious kids who came to us through adoption.
All of them experienced dramatic life-disruption at some point. The two who keep coming to my mind when I watch our grandsons are the two who came to us at exactly this age. It’s such an aware age. So much learning has already happened. And yet they’re young enough that it’s impossible for them to fathom a life-change as complicated as adoption.
I remember waiting to bring them home, staring at their pictures, and worrying about the coming upheaval in their lives. But even then I don’t think I let myself fully imagine the pain that they were about to experience. How hard it would be for a little one to leave every scrap of the familiar that they so treasure at that age. To be placed into the arms of strangers, and then begin a whole new life. New bed. New food. New faces. New language.
I am profoundly grateful that our grandsons are growing up in security. In love. I wish all my kids had gotten that wonderful beginning– without relationship rupture, upheaval, and complete world-change. Blessedly, God’s love and power is bigger than hard beginnings, and He’s done much work in their hearts and lives. Our kids are overcomers. They’ve grown and settled in and are thriving.
But I don’t take easy beginnings for granted any more.
Maybe that’s good. We’d probably all be kinder to each other if we remembered that some scars are invisible, and that not everyone began life feeling secure and knowing they’re loved. It’s good to also remember that God works mightily right in the middle of the hard, encouraging us toward growth, showing us His love. And very often He uses people to be that love in the flesh. How awesome would it be if we could each look for ways to be part of His healing plan in the lives of those around us.
Our first baby was born during my last semester of college. I had to go back to school when she was just ten days old. I was able to bring her to class with me, so it wasn’t all that bad. But that first morning, as I was trying to shower and get ready to go, all she wanted to do was nurse. Finally, in tears I called my mom asking her to come help me get ready to go. She did. And finally I made it out the door to class.
Whether a couple adds to their family by birth or adoption, there’s always an adjustment period, a time when the family needs to find their way to a new normal. During that time, those of us who care about them are often eager to help out. But what are some of the best ways to do it? I’ll share some ideas that I think are helpful, and I hope that you also will comment below and share what others did that you found most helpful when you were adding new children to your family.
1. VISIT GRACIOUSLY. Wait awhile before visiting and keep visits very short. Even if you tell a momma not to clean up the house or get dressed, having company very soon after a new child’s arrival can be stressful and tiring. Bonus points if you stick a load of laundry in and do a few dishes before you leave.
2. FEED THE FAMILY. Bring food in disposable containers. If you’re not sure of your cooking abilities, Pizza Hut gift certificates are awesome. Do check for food allergies and family preferences. Bonus points if you add a stack of paper plates to relieve the family of dish duty for a few days.
3. OFFER TAXI SERVICE. If you have a comfortable relationship with the other children in the family, offer to run them to sports practices, pick them up after school, or take them to the park for an hour or two. Bonus points if you ask the new parents what they need at the grocery store while you’re coming to their house anyway.
4. ENCOURAGE HER TO COCOON. As much as you love visiting with your new-momma friend, she may not have the energy to be out and about visiting and running errands for awhile. Especially in the case of a difficult delivery, or a newly adopted baby, it will probably benefit everyone to stick really close to home for awhile. Later will be soon enough to rejoin the larger world and be social again. Be the kind of friend who encourages and respects that time of quiet.
What did friends and family do that most helped after you added to your family?