Today I have a giveaway that I’m really excited about. I’ve told you about the insight I got from The Whole-Brain Child and Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel Seigel. The books I’m giving away today dovetail beautifully with Seigel’s, offering even more insight into how we naturally relate to people, and how to move forward in a way that improves all the relationships in our lives.
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage is the book Milan and Kay Yerkovich wrote to help couples figure out how their natural relational ‘type’ (honed by childhood experiences) affects their current ability to love each other well. How We Love Our Kids: The Five Love Styles of Parenting explains those concepts again, this time in relation to how we tend to parent.
According to the books, the relationship style that is most associated with good relationships is called the ‘secure connector’. Here’s a checklist to see how close you are to being a secure connector. And here’s an audio talk where the couple explains this list in great detail.
However, since we are humans who were parented by humans in a less-than-perfect world, we all have tendencies that are less-than-healthy. Here’s a brief summary of those five personality types. See which sentence most resonates with you.
- Avoider: “I like people, but I’m not very comfortable when they get emotional. I like to keep it simple… it’s so much easier when people just take care of themselves.”
- Pleaser:“I work hard at making those I love happy, and I’m not great at saying “no” or keeping boundaries. But anything is better than having people upset with me.”
- Vacillator:“I long for relationships and connection, but people always let me down. Sometimes I wonder if its even worth it anymore.”
- Victim: “I keep my needs quiet, and honestly, I’m not even sure what my needs are. It’s safer when I just go with the flow… there’s less opportunity for a blow-up.”
- Controller: “I don’t like being outside of my comfort zone, so I always make sure I’m the one in charge. That way I know for sure that I won’t be taken advantage of.”
Even folks who had relatively happy childhoods usually tend in one or more of the directions described above. The books explain how some of these personality types interact with each other, and how we each can grow in ways that will allow us to ‘earn’ emotional and relational security as adults. Fascinating stuff!
To be entered into the drawing, please comment below and tell me which book most appeals to you. If you’re brave enough, you can also tell me which personality type sounds most like you. I think I’m a pleaser, with a dab of controller tossed in there, which (I half-jokingly told my husband) means I want to MAKE everyone be happy. He chuckled and said, “That sounds about right.” Thanks to these books, though, I’m also working on becoming a secure connector.
If you would like a second chance to win these two books, you may also share the link to this contest on facebook or twitter, then come back to comment a second time. I’ll announce a winner on Friday.
This post contains affiliate links, which means if you buy any of these books by clicking on the links here, I will receive a small portion of the cost of the book as a commission. This doesn’t increase the cost to you, but those pennies do add up and go to support all the free content here. I appreciate your support.