Mom’s smile
The other day several children were in limit-testing moods, relentlessly so. By the end of the day I was in a less than cordial mood. One of the limit-testers, unhappy over lost privileges, accused me of being mean. She seemed oblivious that her behavior was directly responsible for my current lack of good humor. She wasn’t the only clueless one. Several others of the 13-and-under set seemed unaware that other childrens’ misbehavior might leave me less gracious about their own shenanigans, especially at the end of a long day.
I wondered if there was a way to demonstrate just how much their disobedience drained my patience. The next morning, after doing some thinking, I drew a frowning face on sheet of paper. I covered the frowning mouth with a clear strip of packing tape. Then on another smaller piece of paper, I drew a smiling mouth. In the smiling mouth I made about 30 vertical cuts, very close together, so that the sheet of paper on which the mouth was drawn was only held together by a thin margin of intact paper at the top edge. Then I taped the smiling mouth over the top of the frowning mouth.
At breakfast that morning, I explained to the kids the way they were working together to wear me out. I showed them the smiling face. “Today, every time a kid does something obnoxious– whether it be sassing me, or doing a job badly, or teasing a sibling–I’ll tell you to tear a strip off the smile. I’m not a mean mom. But when you all work together to disobey, you make my smile go away. And the more you disobey, the more likely you are to get a cranky answer instead of a smiling one.”
The kids eyed the face soberly as I put it up on the fridge. That morning, I didn’t deliberately nitpick about their behavior. But I did note each incidence of ‘attitude’, slow obedience, or unkindness, and sent the offending child to the fridge to tear off a strip.
My 4 and 6 year old girls were most disturbed by the visual as the day wore on and my ‘smile’ gradually faded away, uncovering the frown beneath. At one point my 4 year old gave me a hug, and said she was sorry that my smile was coming off. By late afternoon, less than half of the strips remained, which meant that in 7 hours time, I had already addressed at least a dozen issues.
Though most of the issues were not huge, it was no surprise to ME that I was feeling less than cheery. But I think that some of my kids truly hadn’t been aware of the number of issues I face in a day, and the way that even ‘little’ disobediences take their toll on my mood. All the kids seemed to take the lesson to heart, and they seemed to be weighing their actions more carefully than usual.
I only did that exercise one day, but I’m keeping the face tacked to the side of my fridge, to be convenient if I need to use it again. It also serves as a reminder to my kids that mom does have limits, and that the better you treat her, the happier she will be.
Visuals are wonderful, but I think the objective isn’t correct. Is the objective for your kids to make you happy? Or is the objective to keep the kids happy about making good choices? The visual is showing kids how to make you feel happy, as well as being a negative reinforcement.
I think this visual could be tweaked by each kid making their own happy face. They can:
1. Make a basic drawing of themselves frowning. And add that smile, like you did.
Then whenever something comes up where you need to deal with a problem, fight, or something else icky, you can use the visuals to help you explain the point.
If it’s a problem, take away a part of the smile from everyone who’s involved. You, the kid, and other kids who may have been affected.
If it’s something wonderful, acknowledge that as well. Let the kid add color to one part of the picture, or another detail. That kid should feel wonderful about what they did.
It’s all about choices. Kids should know what choices to make.
As my mom says with all her sugestions, “Keep or toss…”
Very Clever.
I wish I would have thought about that when my kids were little.
I’m gonna pass it on to the pals I have with kids right at the perfect age.
Thanks Mary!
“OF” that not “ABOUT” that! lol
*sigh*
what a fantastic idea. this could work for all families. copyright it if you need to, but as of now i am copying!
Ah – new visitor, fellow home school mom.
We must have been sitting at the same breakfast table.
That is SO fantastic Mary!
I’m definitely going to use this.
It’s so hard to get the message across without seeming like a mean mom but this sounds really effective!
Congrats!
This article has been picked and featured as the Best of the Web on the Worthington Wire. You will see your article linked in the family category today. Thanks for sharing this great idea with the world.
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If you have that much time to do things like this, you should be more patient.
I am just be a parent – not a “best friend.” Guess what? they still love me, and I them. Perhaps because I am firm, and don’t let them make 30 errors a day; they don’t “push the limit” and are great kids that make me happy most of the time!
Be firm, be fair, be forgiving and be happy.
This is SO up my alley. Thanks for sharing. I, too, am linking to this post. Thanks, again!
One more quick comment on the naysayers.
Patience is clearly a fruit of the spirit that I pray for constantly.
I completely agree the idea is not to make Mom happy. Our job as parents, however, is to teach them how to interact as considerate members of society. Therefore, they need to learn that their actions impact others.
I think this idea does a great job of healping them visualize that.
Hi Ed,
In an ideal world, I’d be perfectly patient. Unfortunately, I’m only human and so are my kids. But guess what? My kids are going to grow up to live and work with humans, so they might as well realize that all people have limits. I presented this idea as a simple visual aid, something I use along with other parenting techniques. As far as 30 misbehaviors seeming like more than any organized mom should be dealing with, I agree! However I have to remind myself that I am parenting 8 children at the moment, several of whom were adopted at an older age. They have past history, grief issues and associated challenges with cheerful obedience. Could be that a person with fewer than 10 kids might want to set this up with fewer than 30 bits of smile to remove. Then again, a parent with fewer kids might simply feel less tired at the end of the day. I’m not sure about that, though– I remember being plenty tired when parenting ‘only’ 2 or 3 little ones. As always, parents have to pick and choose techniques for their own families. This one works for me, but when putting it out here as as idea I never expected it to work for everyone.
BRILLIANT.
LOVE IT!
Wow…this is such an excellent idea. You know what else? It would give The Man a great visual snapshot of my day without even having to ask. He’d know instantly why mood was the way it was.
Again, fabulous idea!!!
Hey – found you from a link in a StumbleUpon newsletter and I’m glad I stopped by. I have only two kiddos, but I know the feeling…well! What a great way to show little kids that their actions have real impact on other people.
What a great idea and an important lesson on how the little things add up.
Thank you, thank you! I must admit, I feel guilty wehn I’m a grouch, but it is indeed true- I don’t wake up that way! My children do it to me! I will have to try this to demonstrate to my kids how their actions, while spread apart (each child may only be responsible for 1/3 of the problems) truly add up and affect my ability to be kind and gentle. Instead, they push me to grouchy, irritable, and short. Thanks for sharing. Pastormac’s Ann sent me this link.
[...] Mom’s smile — Owlhaven http://www.owlhaven.net/2009/03/15/moms-smile – view page – cached The other day several children were in limit-testing moods, relentlessly so. By the end of the day I was in a less than cordial mood. One of the — From the page [...]
What a great idea! I’m surprised at some of the critical comments. Whatev. If it works for you and yours – hooray!
This is my first time reading your blog. Love it.
Amazing!!! This is a great idea, a wonderful way to easily show how we have an effect on others, and it can be adapted to other situations.
Found you on Twitter today.
Very nice!! I did something similar for my children… I made little drawings of “twins”… “Princess Sweetiepie” and “Lady Fussbudget.” Then I tried to point out throughout the day when their behavior lined up with the characters… My son had “Prince Braveheart” and “Sir Grump.” It really worked, my kids still talk about it though the pictures are long gone.
This is fabulous! I am going to start drawing my face right now!
Great idea! Can’t believe some of the judgmental comments you received! “If you have time…” good grief! That person must have robots for children.